I saw my doctor today and the follow up after my surgery went well but now I have a big decision to make.
I didn’t think I had a big decision to make, but you know me. I love creating strife where there is none. I thought we had agreed that I would be starting clomid immediately after getting my period.. which could be any day now. But now I’m feeling conflicted. My SO is so lax about the whole thing that I feel as though I’m making huge life altering decisions all on my own. When I asked him if we should start the clomid immediately or wait, he said that we should wait because I’m going away for a week in June. He said nothing, and he didn’t want to say anything, about any other reasons why we would possibly wait…. Like, are we even ready for a child? A child that will live on this planet and need us to be parents until we DIE? It’s like, he puts the same amount of thought into the question of should we have a child or not as he would into should we have pizza or salad for dinner. I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND.
And not only that but his whole concept of marriage and babies is so twisted, I literally just don’t know understand it at all. When I ask him if he is okay having a baby before we get married, he says “well I feel like if we’re having a baby we’ll probably be planning on getting married”. Translation: “If I knock you up, I’ll propose”. Further translation: “I won’t propose until I knock you up”.
Yay. Thank you. I feel so special.
So many people at this point would tell me to leave him in the dust. After five years, the fact that he can’t commit to me is ridiculous. I find it to be hurtful. I’ve found it to be something I’ve really had to overcome and let go. And so many people would ask me why I do it and I honestly just don’t know, other than I love him. I love him and our relationship is so amazing, other than this one minor (MAJOR) snafoo of him not wanting to marry me.
At the end of the day, I say to myself the same thing I always say. I have two options. I either leave him or I love him. And I love him and I’m not ready to leave him so I have my answer. But it doesn’t mean that these decisions aren’t any harder and it doesn’t mean that the things I’m lacking in my life don’t hurt me.
I hope that I can let go of controlling it all. I hope that he will come to his senses. I hope that I get pregnant sooner rather than later. I’m just ready to start my life as the woman and mom I know I am supposed to be.