Decisions… decisions…

I saw my doctor today and the follow up after my surgery went well but now I have a big decision to make.

 

I didn’t think I had a big decision to make, but you know me. I love creating strife where there is none. I thought we had agreed that I would be starting clomid immediately after getting my period.. which could be any day now. But now I’m feeling conflicted. My SO is so lax about the whole thing that I feel as though I’m making huge life altering decisions all on my own. When I asked him if we should start the clomid immediately or wait, he said that we should wait because I’m going away for a week in June. He said nothing, and he didn’t want to say anything, about any other reasons why we would possibly wait…. Like, are we even ready for a child? A child that will live on this planet and need us to be parents until we DIE? It’s like, he puts the same amount of thought into the question of should we have a child or not as he would into should we have pizza or salad for dinner. I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND.

And not only that but his whole concept of marriage and babies is so twisted, I literally just don’t know understand it at all. When I ask him if he is okay having a baby before we get married, he says “well I feel like if we’re having a baby we’ll probably be planning on getting married”. Translation: “If I knock you up, I’ll propose”. Further translation: “I won’t propose until I knock you up”.

Yay. Thank you. I feel so special.

So many people at this point would tell me to leave him in the dust. After five years, the fact that he can’t commit to me is ridiculous. I find it to be hurtful. I’ve found it to be something I’ve really had to overcome and let go. And so many people would ask me why I do it and I honestly just don’t know, other than I love him. I love him and our relationship is so amazing, other than this one minor (MAJOR) snafoo of him not wanting to marry me.

At the end of the day, I say to myself the same thing I always say. I have two options. I either leave him or I love him. And I love him and I’m not ready to leave him so I have my answer. But it doesn’t mean that these decisions aren’t any harder and it doesn’t mean that the things I’m lacking in my life don’t hurt me.

I hope that I can let go of controlling it all. I hope that he will come to his senses. I hope that I get pregnant sooner rather than later. I’m just ready to start my life as the woman and mom I know I am supposed to be.

Patience is a virtue

Wow. I didn’t think recovering from surgery would be quite so challenging. On day 4 it is still very hard for me to move around on my own, pretty much impossible to do without the painkillers. It really has surprised me a lot how much pain I’ve been in.

The hardest thing for me really has been sitting around. The waiting. You really wouldn’t think it would be so hard to sit on the couch for days and eat snacks and watch tv but believe me it is so challenging. I’m finally starting to understand why bed rest is so tough… And I am 100% sure that bed rest is 100 times harder than this, so I can only pray for all those mothers out there who have to endure bed rest as part of their pregnancy journey.

With all this sitting around I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Pregnancy is a big deal and I’m actually more scared than I ever thought I would be. But I’m not scared about carrying and raising a child. I’m scared about the relationship I have with my boyfriend. How is it that he can be ready to have a child but not ready to get married. How is it that he tells me that if we were having a kid we’d “probably be planning on getting married” but then he won’t propose. How does any of this make sense in his brain but not in mine? And the millions of questions begin. Do I really want this with him?

Can I really respect and truly love him when I don’t feel respected and truly loved by him.

My mind is a whirlwind. Especially with this new development of possibly-probably not ovulating. It makes it a lot harder to delay trying to get pregnant when I feel like I should start trying as soon as possible. I know other women out there have gone through this. I just wish I could find them and talk to them.

I could use a friend. And it’s so sad for me to admit it that I really have none. Not a single friend of mine even remembered I had surgery. Not one. It was a bit of a disappointment and something I’ve struggled with for a long time. Friendship has just never come easy to me.

I hope that I start feeling better soon.

Getting better..

So today has been a bit better. I skipped one of my medication doses and took that as a good sign. It’s hard to manage the emotional side of taking painkillers when you’re sober. Many people refrain from it entirely but I’ve always been very honest about the fact that I’m not a martyr. And if taking two Percocet allows me to get up and walk around and shower, as opposed to sitting on the couch for the 10th hour today, then that is what I’ll do. It does however make me feel a little uneasy. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy it but I’d also be lying if I said it didn’t make me anxious. It’s a double edges sword and I really just can’t wait to be better and focus on the most important thing – making a baby. MY baby. I’m so excited at times, I’m moved to tears. It’s almost too cheesy, even for me.

I’m looking forward to this journey, even though it’s kind of gotten off to a rocky start. I’m confident that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I’m just looking forward to the journey.

I’m a horrible blogger!

Gosh! I hate how hard it is for me to blog. It boggles my mind that something I want to do seems so hard to stay on top of.
The last few months have been hard. We were trying from January until about two weeks ago, with no luck. My first cycle was 65 days long… Ridiculously late and very stressful. Between taking many pregnancy tests, continually calling my doctor and feeling like every twinge and pang was a pregnancy symptom, it’s safe to say it sucked. My doctor was dismissive and awful so I decided to visit my general practitioner who told me to track my temperature during the next cycle. I tracked my temp and took an expensive digital ovulation test every day for 30 days.

The bad news? I never ovulated. That was deflating.

I decided to switch doctors and at my first appointment with the new doctor he decided that I wasn’t ovulating at all. Upon doing his first pelvic exam, he discovered I had a very large endometrioma that needed to be removed immediately. That was a hard moment. Of course you want to be positive and not let your mind go to horrible places but it’s much harder than you’d think. My biggest fear my whole entire life (for some unknown reason) has been that I can’t have kids. It’s caused me so much anguish and been the main reason why I’ve been so anxious to start trying. Anyway, I scheduled my appointment for Thursday (yesterday) and the last week of waiting was the toughest week. It was just so hard to wait and wait, knowing that this large thing was inside me. It didn’t hurt very much but I wonder if it didn’t hurt or I was just used to it. I’ve had pelvic pain on and off for many years so maybe most of the time I just don’t notice.

Finally yesterday came. I got up early because I couldn’t sleep and I went to the store to make sure I had enough snacks and frozen food haha. Of course that was super important. Then I walked the dogs, cleaned up the house and it was time to go. We got to the surgery center at 10:30 and I was taken back to pre op pretty quickly. I wasn’t even that nervous which actually made me more nervous hahaha. I know that sounds crazy but I’m so used to being panicked. Finally I was wheeled into the OR and within minutes, I was out. I woke up and was definitely in pain but also drugged. The surgery went well and even though it was confirmed that I do indeed have endometriosis (disheartening to say the least), it was also confirmed that it isn’t that severe which is the good news. The endometrioma was removed and I only lost 10 cc’s of blood which is incredible!

I’ve been home since 4 pm yesterday and the pain has been pretty bad. However, the painkillers are finally working and I’m feeling much better.

Emotionally, it’s been hard to wrap my mind around but I actually feel less nervous than I did before I found it. I’m the kind of person that finds it incredibly difficult to not know what’s going on. As soon as someone takes me seriously and gives me the information I need, whether or not it’s bad news, I feel a lot of relief. I know now that there are things I can do. As soon as I recover from this surgery, my doctor will put me on clomid to hopefully get me ovulating. I’m confident that this will work and well be pregnant within the next 6 months. I’m feeling hopeful and confident and can’t wait to share this journey with you. : )

Baby time!

This is my first post in quiet a while. Things have been good in my neck of the woods but I haven’t felt much like writing. I was really busy with work and was struggling with some anxiety problems, which I’m still working on. Now that I have a break from work, I’m really trying to put myself first and take care of me. That includes writing. I wanted to write before because I wanted to BE somebody. I wanted people to watch and clap when I said something clever. It seems so much of my life is dictated by this need for someone to be watching. But I’m really turning that around. I want to do things for myself.
This year is about big change but it’s also about remaining true to myself. I decided to start writing again because I can’t seem to quiet my mind – this time it’s for a good reason.

We are officially trying for a baby!

I am so thrilled but I also feel like I’m walking on eggshells. It’s embarrassing to admit this but the last few times I told people we were trying, my SO changed his mind. It was really hard to handle. But I’m not dwelling on things I can’t change. So now, we are really trying. And because I literally can not keep my mouth shut about it, I have decided to start writing. I told myself I wouldn’t tell anyone were trying but I’ve already told too many people. I need to write about all the things I’ve been obsessing about.

So here’s the story. Watch out, this blog is about to get TMI.

My last period started on December 22. It lasted a few days, as it always does. We officially started trying on December 31. I believe I ovulated on January 6 and that’s where I’m at!

I’m sure no one cares, but I really need a place to spill all my thoughts. I am obsessing obsessing obsessing. I want so badly for this to be the month. I love this potential baby more than anything. I am a crazy crazy lady. Please send me baby dust! This will be an emotional ride but I am so ready.

Truth

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These words are everything to me today. I have prayed for the strength and ability to let go. There are many things that are not meant for me. Small things, big things, the things that occupy the hollow space between my skull and the squishy folds of my brain.
Grace is all I need.
I want the world to run smoothly, not just for myself but for others too. Though that doesn’t always seen to be true especially when jealousy rears it’s ugly head (it does often). This past week has just been about figuring out which screws are loose in my mind. I’ve finally realized that what I thought would make my life perfect will not.. At all. It is the hardest thing to admit to myself let alone to other people.
Marriage and babies will not fix me. They never would have. They won’t now.
But what will fix me is taking time for myself. Another hard thing for me to do. I don’t know how to do it to be quite honest. I think I do but then I end up sitting at home watching tv for hours on end – like I’m doing at this exact moment as I write this post. I’m trying my hardest to figure out what makes me happy. I don’t know why it’s so hard – it seems like it should be easier, but what do I know.
So today, I’m sucking it up and I’m keeping those words in my mind. Today I’m hoping for grace.

Open

I haven’t looked you in the eyes in days. I mean, really looked you in the eyes. If you look hard enough you might actually see what’s there and that’s too painful for me to deal with right now. I find myself in this place between reality and fiction where I feel not quite empty but not quite whole either. Everything has a fuzzy liner to it.
Do you ever scroll through the motivational sayings on Pinterest? The ones with the cute photos, the ones that make you feel fuzzy for just a second. That’s it, just a chance that a second will erase the thoughts firing in your brain. Maybe one pin doesn’t do it but two might. Keep scrolling.
Today when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see me. I usually do. I can tell because I also see the poor complexion that I complain about daily. But today, nothing. I wonder how long this will last. I realized that what I’m feeling, the ache in my belly, the cringe at someone else’s wedding ring or bulging belly is so much more than what it seems. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’m wrong to place the blame where blame isn’t due. Maybe the desire, the ache, the cringe, maybe it comes from somewhere else.
People used to tell me that I needed to want babies for the right reason. I thought I did, but now I’m not so sure.
The one thing I’m proud of though, is that I know how hard the ground feels when you jump too soon. I’ve been there before. I remember the sharpness of my breath and the bottomless pit of my stomach as I realize, halfway to the ground, just how badly I wish I hadn’t jumped.

I can’t breathe…

I can’t breathe because I’m waiting for you.

Every second of my day is spent in this whirlwind, in this black hole, this obsession fueled string of moments that just.. keep… stringing…. along. 

 

We are not in this together. We are not on the same team. I am.. I am in this. That’s it. 

 

I am hurting. And because I’m hurting I turn my back on this. On this place that’s supposed to be mind, that IS mine, that I created for me and for me only. Why? Because I’m afraid I’ll be judged by the thinness of my words. By how unbelievably meaningless this is all sounds when I read the words aloud. When I look at what has come out of my mouth.. or fingers. Whatever. The fact that I go to sleep and wake up with the same thought playing in my mind. It is killing me. These thoughts, these obsessions, they are slowly killing me and I mean that in the most non-dramatic way. I never knew something could be so important to someone. I didn’t know, when I was 5 and planning my dream wedding in my head and spending hours playing house with my favorite baby dolls that in reality I would be haunted by these dreams every second of every day. When you’re five, you think your dreams will come true. When you’re five, you think you’ll grow up to be just like everyone else. You don’t dream about being the girl on the sideline. The girl watching all her friends get engaged, get married, get pregnant, raise babies. You know you’ll be one of them because it’s all you’ve ever wanted. Even at age five, you know this. You don’t dream of being the girl who can’t wait another second for her prince charming to wake up and see her standing in front of him, finally realizing what he’s been missing for the last 5 years. You don’t dream of being her. 

But I’m her. And not only have I dreamed my whole life about not being that girl, but I’ve spent the last five years having my heart broken repeatedly by that boy. And I’ve spent 500 heartbreaks crying my eyes out, tearing myself apart for being such a loser and 500 pep talks about how I can keep waiting and I don’t need it and it’s not important and it doesn’t matter. 500 moments where I think for just a split second that what I tell myself is almost true. 500 moments where I realize it’s not. 

Why am I this person? Why am I someone so obsessed with something I clearly cannot have right now. If God had just made me like my sister, a girl who doesn’t dream of weddings and babies but a fat paycheck and a lavishly furnished apartment in her favorite metropolitan city. If I could just be her, it wouldn’t matter that on my left hand still sits the pearl ring my mother gave me when I was 13. 

I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to want what I want. And yet, I can’t stop. I can’t stop obsessing, crying, cursing, blaming, regretting, resenting. I don’t want these dreams anymore. I’d give anything for them to go away. 

Be still my heart…

Oh. Oh. Oh.

I could listen to this on repeat for the rest of my life. As if my ovaries weren’t aching badly enough, this video pretty much just sent me over the edge. Can I have 10 of these little girls… asap… please???

I have to let you in on a little secret. The sigh of a dad and a child just about does me in. I absolutely fall for it every time. Speaking of which. The manager at my gym was carrying the owner’s baby a few days ago (and feeding it a bottle no less!) and I just about fell over and died on the treadmill.

This video pretty much sums up every reason why I want to be married and have babies. The love between my future husband and children will fill every nook and cranny of my heart. And I cannot wait.

No, really. Hurry up, I can’t wait.

Dream Home 2013

This, my friends, is true love! In just over a week, this project is really coming together and I could not be more excited. This whole week had been full of exciting and positive developments in my life.
Earlier this week, I had lunch with a friend who shared something with me that was pretty profound (at least in my little world).
Most of us live our lives caught up in our moment to moments. Our minds get wrapped up in the endless list of tasks that need to get done Just Right Now. And a lot of the time, our minds gravitate (maybe it’s just me) to the worry and anxiety that taints a lot of the decisions we need to make. My friend shared with me that she tries to change all of that by “faking it till you make it”. It sounds odd, but in reality all it takes is changing those nagging voices inside your brain into little cheerleaders. So far, it’s been working. The positivity has been pouring in all week and, surprise surprise, I couldn’t be happier.

Euphoria has a place in my heart and there it will stay (hopefully).

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