I don’t even know where to begin.
The last month of my life has been so shocking and surreal. I feel as though I’ve been in a dream… More like a nightmare but… Still.
As you guys know, I had surgery for an endometrioma on April 3rd. It went really well and my recovery was going really well. I started to finally feel better, even well enough to go to a three day class that I had been so looking forward to. I got my period on that Sunday and I was so excited because it meant I would soon be starting clomid. It meant that my baby dreams were almost coming true.
Sunday night, I had just gotten home and I was so happy to have been to this class. My boyfriend asked me to go for a walk with him at the beach. This was nothing out of the ordinary for us, so you can imagine my surprise when I turned around on top of the sandy fine to see him down on one knee. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
My love proposed and I, of course, said absolutely yes.
We were engaged. And I’ve never been so happy.
The next morning my mom came over and I told her the great news. Everyone was so happy. My mom left and I got in my car to go meet a friend for coffee. As I was driving I began to experience pretty intense cramps. They got worse and worse and worse until eventually I pulled over, unable to drive. I called my FIANCÉ! and told him that I needed him to drive me to the ER. Not exactly the way I wanted to celebrate but I figured I was having some sort of complication from my surgery.
My fiance came to pick me up and we drove to the ER. I have never been in so much pain. Once we got to the ER, my mom met us, because my fiance had to leave to pick up some stuff for work. I was hooked up to machines and given morphine, which by the way is so awful. The morphine was almost as unbearable as the pain but once the side effects wore off and it kicked in, I was feeling much better. The doctors thought that I had a kidney stone and were going to do CT scan. They took me for an ultrasound and did the necessary blood and urine tests. After my ultrasound, I received some very shocking news. My urine test came back positive for pregnancy. My jaw dropped and I’ve never seen a look of such shock on someone’s face. My mom was floored. I texted my fiance immediately to tell him what was going on and he was just as shocked.
After the blood tests confirmed I was pregnant, they were unable to do a CT scan and basically told me to prepare for a miscarriage. I went home and spent the next two days worried and stressed out. I returned to my doctor two days later for another blood test. I was pretty sure I had miscarried and was simply waiting for the blood test to confirm it.
Two hours later, another huge shock. My HCG levels had doubled and my doctor was pretty confident that this could turn into a good pregnancy. I went home and spent the rest of the week doing nothing other than worrying and obsessing about what was happening in my body. I was supposed to return the following week for an ultrasound. My bleeding and cramping had basically stopped and everyone around me was confident that I would remain pregnant. I, however, was not so sure.
Monday evening, I went to the beach with my fiance. Around 7 pm, as I was typing an email to my friend about what was going on, I began having cramps. Within 60 seconds, I was in excruciating pain and flagged my fiance to come back to the car. He immediately drove me to the ER. I couldn’t even wrap my mind around what was happening because it was all happening so fast. This whole month had happened in the blink of an eye. We got to the ER and I was helped into a wheelchair. A woman outside the ER asked me if I was having a baby and all but crumbled under the weight of her words. No. I wish.
I was admitted to the ER and was yet again hooked up to many machines and given painkillers. I went to the bathroom and saw how much I was bleeding. They performed an ultrasound and it was confirmed that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. About an hour later, I was wheeled into surgery to have the pregnancy removed. I have never been so scared in my life. I truly thought I might die.
This past week has been very hard. Weird and hard. I feel as though my brain is just off. I’ve been on the couch and on painkillers for a month… My brain just isn’t functioning. With all of the shocks in the past 2 weeks, both positive and negative, the emotions center of my brain is just unable to do anything. I haven’t cried. I haven’t felt upset at all about what happened. I’m just totally completely numb. It is so weird to have something like this happen so quickly. Your brain and your body just don’t know how to catch up.
I’m sure that in time I will begin to feel. I’ve really had the most incredible support from my fiance, I couldn’t ask for anyone better to be by my side.